


Heaven Nor Hell

by gailikins



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angel!Prussia, Bad Touch Trio | Bad Friend Trio, Based on a roleplay, F/M, I don't know, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, POV First Person, Reader-Insert, With A Twist, but that comes later, so it might be bad, spain and france come up later don't worry, what's a plot, will edit tags eventually
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-27
Updated: 2019-03-24
Packaged: 2019-11-06 11:16:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17938688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gailikins/pseuds/gailikins
Summary: Having a roommate sounded like a good idea at the time of conception. The less spent on rent and groceries the better, right? Well, having a roommate that is also a celestial being is very, very expensive. There goes the deposit. What's even worse is that there's a lot you aren't telling him, even though he tells you pretty much everything. It could end pretty badly for the both of you if he finds out. Or maybe it won't? Not even God knows at this point.*Kind of under construction, gonna rework some shit because i've realized that the story is a little wonky.





	1. Weird Dreams and Even Weirder Mornings

**Author's Note:**

> So hello! I don't wanna bog this up more than I have to before the fun begins, but I just wanted to say hello and that this is my first work on ao3! It's definitely going to be a longer series. I'm going to try and update it as consistently as possible, but I don't really have a schedule laid out just yet. Be patient with me, heh.
> 
> I also want to preface this by saying that this is based off an RP I did a while back. My partner for this and I never finished and it's been over a year since our last interaction. Anyway, the premise was nice and I wanted to streamline it a little bit because as we were writing it, it got a little convoluted. I also wanted to fix some of what I thought to be OOC moments for Gilbert and kinda shake up the structure a bit to make it more readable. 
> 
> Without further ado, I'll let you get to reading, and I hope you enjoy!

It was cold. Unimaginably cold. Not only was the temperature of the land below freezing, but my body was slowly losing its warmth as well. My lungs were full of an odd mixture of mucus and blood and I was gasping for air most times. Tears streaked my face. 

This was it, wasn't it? The end.

This plague had been the death of many people, and unfortunately, it was going to be my end. My brothers lay beside me, their breathing varying in shallowness, a slight rasp to it as they struggled to breathe as well. 

Looking up to the ceiling, the tears continuing to flow from my stinging eyes.

_God, please... Save us._

I pleaded to the Heavens. There was no answer.

_I don't want this to be the end. Please, someone-- anyone--_

_**Anyone?** _

A voice that sounded as though it were made of many rung in my ears, startling me as I shot up, taking in a raspy and painful breath as my eyes widened.

Standing before me was a man with an aura I couldn't read. It was almost... malevolent. The smirk he wore, the way his body basically glowed a bloody red color. His hair stood up as if the gods themselves were holding it up.

"God hasn’t been listening to your prayers, has he?” The stranger asked, looking like he was holding back a smirk.

"No--" I coughed, blood dribbling down my chin, a cold sweat beading at my brow. "I… miracles don’t happen immediately… but I’ve been praying… for so long--" I coughed again. I didn’t know how much longer I would last.

The man walked toward me, a chuckle leaving his throat. 

“Typical," the stranger rolled his eyes. “He’s never been too good at looking after his creations. It’s a shame, really. How could he let something so beautiful waste away like that?” He purred, eying me.

The feeling in my chest that wasn’t the rattling of my lungs was odd. Almost uncomfortable. This had never happened before. How does one react in this situation? 

Who was this man?

"Let me strike a deal with you, my lady," the man began, looking into my eyes with his piercing azure gaze. "In exchange for your soul, I will allow you and your loved ones to live for as long as you like. Sound good?"

That sounded amazing. My mind addled with illness was willing to do anything in order to survive this. I guess that's just how humans worked. 

I nodded my head slowly, causing the man's grin to widen.

"Good choice, _____."

 

____________

 

I shot up with a sharp intake of breath, skin cold with sweat. The was sun shining through the darkened curtains of my window alerting me to the fact that it was morning.

Running a hand through my hair, I let out a deep sigh. 

"Why did that come up again?" I murmured, my voice still raspy with sleep. 

Shaking my head, my legs swung over the side of the bed and landed on the dingy beige carpet of my room. The apartment was cheap, so of course, it didn't have cool stuff like a nice carpet. I've lived in worse. 

Contemplating the world for a second before returning to reality, I stood up and walked out of my room and made a beeline for the kitchen. Coffee was my source of energy.

I probably need to buy more. 

 

I shrugged at this thought, turning the corner to get to the kitchen, only to be greeted with a wet feeling on my socks.

I shivered before looking down. My breath hitched.

No. 

No way.

Not again.

"Gilbert!" I called to my roommate.

No response.

" _ **GILBERT!**_ "

_Thud._

_Groan._

_Thump, thump, thump._

"What--" he cut himself off, his eyes the same color as the fluids that soaked into the carpet followed what I was looking at. He gulped.

"Oh. That.”


	2. My Archangel is Defective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Gilbert remembers that he did indeed bring a body home after doing his Holy Duty the night prior, hijinks ensue. Hijinks always ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already had this chapter ready because I figured I should have more than just that flashback scene here for you readers. I dunno when I'll write the next chapter, but it should be soon.

Having a roommate was definitely a blessing. I wasn’t alone, I didn’t have to pay as much rent on this shitty little apartment, and while I would have preferred one of human persuasion, Gilbert wasn’t so bad…

Except for when things like this happened.

“In my defense, I needed to make a quick getaway with this one,” the aforementioned Gilbert said. “Real piece of scheisse, this one is.”

Gilbert was an Archangel. A very mediocre one at best, a very shitty one at worst. He purged the world of evil, one or two lesser demons at a time. That meant that ever so often there would be a bloody surprise for me in the kitchen or bathroom. That I had to clean.

The silver-headed angel man had been sent down from heaven to be my guardian angel. That was definitely laughable because I’m not religious whatsoever. There were other reasons, but that was his main hurdle. 

Gilbert started giving his Latin spiel about the man on the linoleum tile being a soul damned to eternity and that he would be vanquished by the heavenly divine light Gilbert had been blessed with. Why did celestial beings have to be so dramatic? God, I hope the neighbors don’t think we’re occult leaders or something.

“Whew, alright,” Gilbert said as he looked down at the body. “I don’t know what to do with him now…”

“For the sake of not going to prison for murder, my vote is send him to the void,” I suggested dryly.

He laughed. “Silly, _____. I can’t just do that, only God can move people through dimensions! I mean-- I could if I wanted to because I’m that awesome, but it’s too early in the morning for that, so…”

Angel Man was so full of shit. 

“Anyway, I guess this means I can’t throw the bodies in the dumpster anymore…”

“ _You threw them in the dumpster_?” I asked incredulously.

“I mean, it’s logical, right? These people are trash and they belong there-- that’s what you do with them, right?” He seemed confused. Oh my _god_ , this man was going to be the death of me.

“Just do something about him so I don’t have to look at him anymore!” I snapped.

“Alright, alright-- gimme a second to think…” He took a moment to think about what he could do with the body, I could practically see the smoke coming out of his ears as he thought hard. Hadn’t he done this before? “I’ve got it! I’ll vaporize him!”

And so once again, Angel Man spouted some Latin at the body. Only this time, there was fire involved.

“Ach… scheisse. That’s incinerate, not vaporize,” Gilbert muttered to himself, looking at what he had done.

If my Latin was correct, and I hoped it was, incinerate was nowhere near vaporize. They didn’t even sound alike… How did he mix that up?

“I get those mixed up all the time… Verdammt.”

I opened my mouth to say something, but then closed it because I really had nothing to say. Just shocked at how this man came to be an archangel. Weren’t these guys supposed to be, oh, I don’t know, good at their job?

“Please… just, put him out? Please?” I pleaded, pulling my shirt’s collar over my nose because of the smell of burning death that was filling the apartment. The neighbors probably hated us with the constant noises and smells that came from our apartment. Who wouldn’t be weirded out by that?

“I, uh… I don’t know how to extinguish fires, ____,” Gilbert admitted. I gave him a look. Something looked like it clicked in his brain. “Oh yeah-- fire extinguisher! I’m so smart.”

As I was coming up with adjectives that were anything but smart, he grabbed the fire extinguisher from its place on our kitchen wall (near the stove, as it should be) and quelled the flames of the now extra crispy body that was pretty much ash on their floor now. I need to remember to put batteries in the fire alarm.

“Well, most of him is gone! That’s what we were going for, anyway. So now all I have to do is put him in a bag and then in the dumpster like usual, problem solved!” Gilbert beamed.

He was so proud of himself… If I weren’t slightly angry with him I would have found that absolutely adorable. Not that I like him or anything. No. Never. Nope.

“Just get him out of here,” I sighed, my voice muffled by my shirt. “I need to figure out a way to get the smell of death out of the apartment now.”

Gilbert nodded. He grabbed the broom and dustpan that sat in the ‘cleaning instrument corner’ that we had in the tiny kitchen and started sweeping up the charred remains. “Y’know, this used to be a lot easier before that forensics shit started and telephones happened,” he complained. “People used to like it when archangels vanquished evil, but now only the hardcore bible thumpers and mythology nerds know about us-- and they don’t even remember me! It’s like they wrote me out of it or something.”

Oh, the Catholic Church. The world’s harshest editor since 1054. Poor Gilbert.

“Except for Michael and Gabriel. Those guys get all the glory. Like, yeah, Michael stabbed Satan or whatever, but he’s a total hypocrite and an arschloch--”

There was a clap of thunder that seemed to only exist in our confined space, which made me jump nearly ten feet high. Loud noises have never really been my thing. Gilbert cringed too, grimacing at the sound.

“Yeesh-- well excuse me, big guy…” Gilbert looked over at me. “The Big Man Upstairs doesn’t like it when I shit talk other archangels.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” I retorted.

Gilbert mimicked me like a child because of course he did. He swept the rest of the remains into a trash bag and made his way out to the dumpster. Once he came back, he looked like he was about to say something before his stomach let out a very audible growl.

“I think it’s time for breakfast,” he stated simply. “Purging the evils of the world really gets my appetite going.”

How he could eat after all of that happened was really beyond me. Anything he did was beyond me, really.

I have to admit, my days are never boring with him around.


	3. Thai Food and Domesitc Simplicity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when you have an angel for a roommate, the little things in life like take-out food seem to be a little better, even if he has you gagging on your Pad Thai because he's so blatantly flirting with you and stroking his own ego.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternative Title: I Wish I Was Catholic So This Would Go Faster
> 
> Wow, how late is this? Two weeks. Cool. I'm bad at scheduling things. Maybe I should actually make a schedule. I should do that. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this next installment even though it's more just kind of establishing the relationship between reader and Gil but the next chapter should be interesting! I hope.

There were still a lot of things I didn’t know about archangels. I’d never really looked into them much, mainly because I never needed to. All I knew about them was that they were pretty high in the Heaven Hierarchy. But not like, too high. And even among them, there was a ranking system.

Gilbert seemed to be ranked dead last. At least, that’s what he lead me to believe. 

“Gott, I’m _starving_ ,” Gilbert groaned.

He was also whiny. 

“Well then let’s order food. I’m not cooking,” I said, not looking up from my computer screen as I typed away furiously at an email I was drafting.

“Hell yeah!” the silver-headed Angel Man cheered. “Where are we going to order from? Also, what are we eating?”

“How about we order from that new Thai place that opened up down the street not too long ago?” I suggested. “The menu should be in the food menu drawer.”

Gilbert shot up from his spot on the couch and went to go grab the menu. We hadn’t tried it out yet, mainly because neither of us liked change. But neither of us wanted to admit it either.

There were a few moments of rummaging, a forceful push, a squeak, and a slam before it went silent. That drawer was difficult, so I was pretty used to those sounds at this point. What I was not used to was the lack thereof. Specifically from Angel Man. 

I didn’t get a chance to look up to see what was happening when there was a menu mere centimeters from my face, causing me to let out a squeal in surprise. I nearly dropped my laptop, but thankfully I saved it at the last minute.

“Holy Hell, Gilbert! Could you maybe hand me the menu like a normal person?” I asked.

Angel Man just laughed. He always said my reactions and expressions were priceless, so in order to see my face contort in ways that not even I knew could happen, he did things like this.

I took the stupid menu from him and looked through it, deciding on the safe option of pad thai. I wasn’t well versed in Thai cuisine, but Gilbert seemed to really enjoy it.

“I want the spicy chicken and noodles! Make sure to tell them to make it as hot as possible!” Gilbert demanded, bouncing back from being basically breathless just seconds before.

I rolled my eyes and grabbed my phone, dialing the number for the restaurant. I felt bad about having to repeat myself several times during the order due to the language barrier, but Gilbert didn’t know how phones worked and he probably would have insulted who she assumed was a very nice lady over the phone.

“Man, I love Thai food. Reminds me of when I lived in Thailand-- though I think that was before it was Thailand,” Gilbert said after I hung up. Though his expression seemed quite excited his eyes held something different.

“Really? Damn, you’re old,” I teased.

“Shut up!” Gilbert countered.

I grinned, knowing I had hit a soft spot. Schadenfreude at its finest.

The grin faded when his comment about Thailand actually processed. “Hey, I’ve got a question.”

“Shoot.”

“You could have chosen to be anyone’s guardian angel just about anywhere else, and yet you’re here with some girl who rarely leaves the house for things that aren’t work or necessity related in a shitty part of town-- why?”

Gilbert’s expression changed to match his eyes. A wry smile settled on his lips. “Well, that’s the thing, dear ____. I didn’t choose to be here,” he answered simply with a shrug. “Angels get an assignment from the guy upstairs and they carry them out. My assignment was to convert you into a believer of my holy sacrifice and all that jazz.” 

Well, he wasn’t doing a very good job.

“Had they not mixed you up with the Catholic girl I was supposed to convert, things would have been way different. But that’s just how the cookie fell.”

I had to hold in my laughter because he was being pretty serious. Unfortunately for him, he doesn’t know how to differentiate the different idioms of the English language.

“Well, that’s gonna be a tough conversion for you considering I am in no way, shape, or form, religious,” I said.

Gilbert shrugged. “If it takes an eternity, so be it. I’m immortal so I’ve got all the time in the world. But I think I can get it done pretty quickly. I am pretty awesome.” 

Angel Man winked at me and I wanted to gag.

The food soon arrived, and like a dog waiting to be fed, I had to kick Gilbert out of the kitchen while I got everything distributed properly. Angel Man when hungry is more like an animal than a supposed higher being, but I guess celestial beings have their quirks. I had Gilbert sit at the table and gave him his food before sitting down in my designated spot to begin eating my own. It was serenely quiet for only a few moments before Angel Man started talking with his mouth full.

“So, how was work today? You didn’t really say anything about it when you came in.” Damn, for someone who was bad at sensing the mood, he was sure perceptive.

I shrugged in response, as I had food in my mouth. “Eh, work was okay. The guy that’s always hitting on me at work decided to lay it on extra thick today and I had to go eat lunch at my coworker’s desk to hide from him in the break room,” I answered as soon as I swallowed.

“Well hey, instead of eating lunch with him, you’re eating dinner with me so That’s gotta count for something,” Gilbert smirked as she shoved another piece of chicken in his face.

“Gil… I normally eat dinner with you.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right.”

You couldn’t help but sigh. He was so helpless sometimes.

“Oh-- I’m gonna have a couple of friends over tomorrow for poker. Just wanted to warn you n’ stuff.”

Great. Love that. More celestial beings in our apartment. Just what I needed.


	4. A Catholic Girl's Sinful Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angels and saints gambling without real gambling and an uninvited guest makes himself at home. But hey, you made new friends and got pizza out of it, so it's not all bad. Also, what's up with all of these angels flirting with you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days? I think this is me making up for the fact that I haven't posted in a bit, so two in one day sounded like a good idea to my brain.
> 
> Anyway, things are kinda picking up, so I'm excited about the next few chapters! I might have one in the next few days or so, or maybe like, tomorrow? It really depends on what I feel like.

Damn it, why did they have to catch me right as I came in from work? I just wanted to flop onto the couch and not do anything for a couple of hours, but no.

Here I am, surrounded by two saints and an angel playing poker. At least Gilbert offered to share his pizza.

The friends he invited over were none other than San Antonio (but he told me to call him Toni. How nice of him) and Saint Francis. Toni was tanned, brunette, and very handsome. Francis was pale, blond, and also somewhat handsome, but his attitude could use some work. Thankfully I wasn’t the only one who thought that.

“Where were we?” Gilbert asked, interrupting my thoughts like he usually did.

“We’re starting a new hand, amigo,” Toni reminded.

“Oh yeah! Francis you’ve gotta do your ‘thing’ now,” Angel Man declared with a smirk.

Francis whined like a defiant child. “You two know I hate doing my ‘thing’… Plus, it would be rude to do it in front of your very lovely roommate!”

“She’s seen worse, do the thing!”

The French saint huffed and rolled his eyes. Taking his long luxurious hair into his right hand, he pulled as hard as possible and his head popped clean off. No blood, no blood-curdling screams, and no mess. Huh.

“That’s his martyrdom, guillotined for a cause,” Gilbert explained. I already kind of figured that out, considering he could just pop his head clean off like that.

Francis set his head back on his shoulders, cracking his neck and making sure it was screwed on right.

“Gil’s right, I have seen worse,” I agreed with a nod, taking a sip of the off-brand soda I had in my hands. 

My very devout Christian coworkers would be shitting their pants if they knew I had three heavenly beings in my apartments all at once. It was like a Catholic school girl’s wet dream, except Jesus wasn’t here so the heavenly orgy was going to have to wait. Oh well.

“Gil, have you ever shown her your ‘thing’?” Francis asked, leaning his chin into his palm.

“What? Nein. Mine’s way boring and also I don’t think she wants to see that.”

 _You’re right, I don’t,_ I thought.

“Ah, yes, you and Toni lived in barbaric societies,” Francis stated matter-of-factly.

“No, amigo, you’re just the youngest out of all of us and had a clean death,” Toni shrugged. “Show your hand so we can continue, man.”

The three boys played while I sat back and watched, not really being one for card games myself. That’s when there was a knock at the door, which was unexpected for all four of us it seemed.

“Gil? Did you invite anyone else?” Antonio asked.

“Nein… I’ll go see who it is.”

Gilbert got up from his seat, and went over to the door, looking through the peephole. A curse left him and my eyebrows raised. Blasphemous language coming from an angel? Must be serious.

“It’s Al…” Gilbert grumbled and opened the door. “Hey, Al, what do you want?”

Harsh.

“Aw, Gil, I know you’re happy to see me! Heard you losers were having a poker game and decided to join in. Gotta keep up with you earthbound guys, right?” Al, I presumed, invited himself in, much to my chagrin.

Al was what you thought of when you saw an angel. Golden blond locks, baby blue eyes, only lightly tanned skin. Not too much, but enough. The one weird thing was his sunglasses, as he had failed to take them off upon entering our abode. Douche. To make matters even more douchey, he materialized a chair right in between Francis and Toni, as I was in between Toni and Gil, and just made himself at home.

Did I exist? What was I? Leftover sacrifice?

“So, how’s that convert goin’ for ya, bud? Heard records got mixed up and you got stuck with the most agnostic of agnostics to the point that she might be an atheist. Tough luck on that, dude!” Al laughed like it was nothing.

Gilbert seemed none too happy with… all of this. Sounded about right, though. This guy was an asshole. “Well, Al, this is ____, ____, Al.”

“Awww, c’mon, bud. You can use my proper title here.”

Gilbert heaved a heavy sigh. “This is Alfred, better known as St. Michael. Archangel and slayer of demons. Conqueror of Lucifer and his armies. Defender of earth and all faithful. And the sword of God most beloved.” His tone was flat and he dragged in some places. Man, this must’ve hurt.

“At your service, little lady,” Al winked at me somehow through the sunglasses. Gag. Gag multiplied by infinity. I swear the next angel that hits on me loses his wings.

“Charmed… Nice to meet you, I guess,” I reply not to be rude. _Now this,_ I thought, _is the ultimate Catholic girl wet dream. I stand corrected._

“So,” Al paused to shove an entire slice of pizza in his mouth and swallow said slice of pizza pretty much whole, “Gil, think you’ll be back up in heaven by the end of the century? Shouldn’t be too hard. Get a little old lady your prayer card. Get a cathedral goin’?” It was almost as if he was teasing him. “Anyway, I should prolly get goin’. Duty calls n’ shit. Nice to see y’all again.” He turns to me with a suave grin. “Maybe catch you later? One of my cathedrals is around the corner, call if you need anything.” 

And with that, the bastard was gone. Silence befell us for a short while. “What a shitbag,” I said, sucker punching the silence as I got up to put my soda can in the recycling. “He’s like a frat boy who wears salmon colored shirts, khaki shorts, and boat shoes who thinks drinking Smirnoff Ice and drugging girls is cool.”

The three heavenly men looked over at me like I just shot their grandmother in cold blood, but there was underlying respect for my words because they probably felt the same way. “Uh… yeah. Anyway, I think we should probably wrap things up for tonight. _____’s got work in the morning.”

“Fair enough. Forget about Alfred, he doesn’t see the full potential of an earthbound angel. Heaven’s too stuffy anyway,” Francis said as he patted his friend’s shoulder reassuringly.

Toni nodded in agreement, “Si. Anyway, _____, it was nice meeting you, hope to see you more often!”

“Oui, you’re simply lovely to be around! Well Gilbert, we’ll be going.”

“Bye guys--” Gilbert was cut off when the two warped out of the apartment with a blinding flash of light. Angel Man heaved yet another sigh.

“They seem like an interesting duo… Very entertaining. You should have them over more often,” I grinned over at him. That seemed to cheer him up a little bit. Did Al depress him that much?

“They used to date, which now that I think about it, makes a lot of sense. Dunno why they called it off,” Gil mused before shrugging and beginning to clean up our card/dinner table. 

I watched him for a moment. “Y’know, for what it’s worth, I think you’re a pretty great angel even if I don’t really get the whole angel thing.” I was trying to comfort him, but I’ve been told I’m notoriously bad at it. What else was I supposed to do?

Gilbert chuckled a bit. “Thanks, ____. That means a lot to me, even if it is a little backhanded.”

I stuck my tongue out at him before giving him a genuine smile for once. “I’m headin’ to bed. Night!”

“Guten Nacht.”


	5. Curiosity Killed the Angel Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some personal stuff comes up between you and your guardian angel, but him digging into your personal life that is kind of uncomfortable. It's not like you're lying to him, right? You're just kind of excluding really important things. But hey, he's easiy satisfied, so maybe he won't ask too many questions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh, things are gonna get good I promise. The next chapter is gonna be super packed full of lots of cool things. I just need to..., well, write it.
> 
> Remember what I said a few chapters ago about a schedule? Yeah that's prolly not gonna happen, but, y'know, at least I haven't gone on an unannounced hiatus yet!
> 
> Shit, I jinxed it, didn't I?
> 
> Well, anyway, I hope you enjoy and I'll talk to you lovelies in the next one!

A few days after the poker night in which my angelic roommate had friends over and Douchey McDouchewaffle joined the party uninvited, I was sitting in the kitchen at the table with multiple uses eating breakfast and caffeinating myself for the day so I didn’t turn into a murderous she-demon when Gilbert came in with a look of concentration on his face reserved for when he’s drafting a text (in all caps, mind you, he still hasn’t figured it out) or when he’s plotting something against me. Seeing as he didn’t have his phone in his hands, I assumed the worst.

That’s when he looked up at me, the same concentration on his face but directed. I felt attacked.

“I’ve been thinking.” Oh no. “And now I’ve got a question for you.” _Oh no._ “Why don’t you believe in me?”

What?

“I… what?” I sputtered, dropping the piece of toast I had in my mouth onto my lap. Damn it.

“I mean, I’m an archangel, I live with you, and you’ve seen me bring home demons from purging evils, what more is there?” he asked, I think mainly to himself.

“For starters, I was raised in a non-religious household. We didn’t have time for church, my mother was raised Catholic and hated it, my father was raised Baptist and hated it, and I didn’t have much interest in it,” I answered with a shrug. “They really gave you the short end of the stick with this mix-up, buddy.”

Angel Man groaned.

“Unfortunately, the contract I signed said you needed to ‘believe in your holy sacrifice as a martyr and your divine power of salvation,’ which means I’m stuck with you until you do,” he huffed.

“That's a stupid contract,” I stated flatly.

“It is not a stupid contract! You’re gonna believe in my holy sacrifice no matter what!” he exclaimed with newfound passion and vigor.

I hate it when he has a sense of passion and vigor, he gets very self-righteous-- oh no there he goes.

Gilbert ranted for about five minutes as I continue with my breakfast, not really listening to any of it while cursing the heavens above for giving me such an egocentric angel-- then I realized all of them must be like that for them to be angels in the first place.

“--and that’s how I’ll get you to believe in me!” Angel Man finished, proud grin on his face like he just figured out the key to success in life with just a few simple clicks.

“Uh huh… Well, I hate to burst your bubble, but I’m gonna be late for work. Are you done?” I asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

Gilbert deflates slightly and pouts. “Yeah I guess,” he grumbles.

Damn, now I feel bad. “We can talk more about it when I get home for lunch, okay? Sound good?” I asked.

He seemed to perk up again, though I knew he’d forget about it in two hours because he’s a scatterbrained mess of a being. “Ja! Sounds good!”

I nodded and put my breakfast dishes in the sink. He had dish duty anyway. I rinsed them off for him, though. I’m not a jackass.

With that, I got ready for my day and headed off. This was my usual day-to-day routine, even before I moved in with the featherbrained idiot we’ve all come to know and love. But once he was injected into my routine, things got a lot more interesting. For better or for worse.

Having lunch made for me by my very hard to predict roommate was one of those for better moments. He wasn’t always an annoying turd.

“Hey, quick question,” he said after a bit. What was it with him and questions today? “Do you have any family around? You never talk much about ‘em.”

I stopped. I did have brothers. But they were halfway across the world backpacking through Europe. Again. Assholes.

“Yeah. I've got two brothers, that's it though. Rest of the family is long gone. I don't really like talking about it,” I answered as I fidgeted with my food, forking it absentmindedly.

Looking up at him, he had a clear look of _shit I shouldn't have brought that up_ all over his face. I didn't blame him for asking, of course. It was personal but public? I just never liked disclosing it.

“Don't feel bad about bringing it up, you didn't know. And that was kinda on me. You can ask about the boys, though, I'm sure you're burning with questions.”

Gilbert looked relieved. Good. He looked very thoughtful, and as though a lightbulb went off in his head he looked up at me. “Are either of them rel--”

“Nope.”

“Damn. Well, what are they like?”

I rolled the words around my tongue for a moment before speaking. I was going to have to be careful. 

“My older brother and I are a bit too far apart to be super close. He's protective, of course. But he’s also an asshole. I'm closer to my baby brother. Taught him everything he knows. Sneaky bastard,” I couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

Gilbert grinned. “They seem like nice people. You should invite them over sometime!”

I hummed and thought it over. “I’ll have to wait for them to get back from what seems like their hundredth backpack tour through Europe. They sure do love traveling.”

This seemed to satiate the Angel Man’s curiosity as he went to go do something else, leaving me to finish my lunch, as he had already scarfed his down like we didn’t go grocery shopping nearly every week.

I was really hoping to never invite the boys over because they don’t really know that I have a roommate. They also didn’t know my roommate was a guy. They also didn’t know my roommate that’s a guy is an archangel. It would be a lot to process for them.

And it would be a hell of a meeting for all of us.


	6. God Only Knows How This Will Turn Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gilbert really knows how to ruin what was supposed to be a nice day off. You were having a good day. We were all having a good day. Not only that, but a metaphorical bomb just dropped and there's probably not enough time to avoid being vaporized. Everything sucks and there's not much you can do about it.

It’s been a few months since the conversation about my family that was a little uncomfortable. Gilbert had to get a job because the Big Guy Upstairs was telling him he needed to start doing something to pay the bills, as he could only make so much money for Angel Man due to inflation reason. Heavenly currency only has so much power in the human economy, it seems.

So, Gilbert became a fireman. Very fitting of the “Archangel of the Holy Flame”. That and he saves people on a regular basis, might as well get paid for it. I was stuck at my desk job, but honestly? I didn’t mind it. If only Vlad from accounting would stop flirting with me. So now we had two whole incomes, which was nice! I couldn’t complain about that.

I was blissfully asleep when there was a knock at my door. Groaning, I looked over at the clock… the hell? I didn’t have to wake up early today, so Gilbert better have a good explanation for waking me up at all. “What?” I managed to rasp, albeit a bit annoyed.

“Hey… uh, was it cold or warm water to get blood out of things?” Angel Man asked.

I raised a sleepy eyebrow at him. “Cold…” I answered. I can only imagine what he needed that information for.

“Cool, thanks-- sorry for waking you, go back to bed.” With that, he closed the door, leaving me to get another few hours of sleep.

I was not prepared for what I woke up to. Going to make coffee, blearily, I didn’t notice it at first. But when I was caffeinated and awake, I finally got a good look at a misplaced armchair and the rather large blood stain on the carpet. I leaned onto my dominant leg, hip jutting out as I folded my arms across my chest, glaring intensely at the scene in front of me. 

I’m gonna kick his feathery ass.

“Good for nothing… dumb… angel… coming home bloody after a job. Fucker.” I grumbled to myself as I went to fetch my blood-cleaning supplies. Yes, ever since the first body he brought home, I had a blood-cleaning kit. It came in handy, really. Just some laundry detergent diluted with water and some other stuff to lift the stain. It came in handy most of the time. I could probably commit murder and get away with it with how many times I had to clean up after Angel Man.

Once I was done cleaning up the stupid angel’s mess, I sat my ass down on the couch and turned on the TV. It was apparently set on the news, so I might as well see what’s going on in the world now. School district drama, burglaries, sports, weather-- interruption. There was a fire. A big one. Apparently, a whole apartment building was on fire. Damn.

The camera, while trained on the reporter at the scene, was also picking up a very familiar albino pacing back and forth. “Gilbert…? Of fucking course…” I muttered. “Whatever you’re about to do, don’t you fucking dare--”

I was cut off when the camera suddenly zoomed in on a man waving himself out of one of the fourth story windows. “Gilbert I swear to fucking God…” The camera panned back down to the reporter, and the white-haired angel could be seen sprinting towards the entrance of the burning building. At this point I was chewing at my nails, a bad feeling settling in my gut.

_Hi, God? Yeah, it’s me, ____. You gave me the stupidest angel you have and I don’t appreciate it. Was this to teach me a lesson? What did I do to deserve this, huh?_ It was rare I actually talked to a higher power, but I knew he could hear me. Bastard. And it was really rich for someone like me to ask what I’ve done to deserve a stupid angel. I barely deserved a stupid angel.

My attention was brought back to the TV, a local commercial playing for a second before more coverage of the fire aired. Gilbert had saved the family inside and was currently being interviewed about how they were rescued. The assumed patriarch just shook his head, denying to comment. He looked like he’d seen something, though, which was very telling that Gilbert had practically exposed himself to the man and his family.

After that, I practically panicked until I fell asleep on the couch. While I knew he would be fine because he’s, well, an angel, the idiot still worried me. Waking up in bed didn’t surprise me in the slightest, as Gilbert would usually carry me to bed after I passed out on the couch watching stupid TV.

Padding into the kitchen, I saw Angel Man sleeping on the kitchen table, his face inches away from a now cold and probably crusty microwave meal. Guess he had a lot on his plate, with what, being both a fireman and a savior of the damned. Deciding not to wake him up, I started making coffee as I usually do. The noise must have woke him up because he took a sharp inhale of breath and shot up. I couldn't see it, but I’m pretty sure he wiped the drool from his face, which was endlessly amusing.

“Have fun at work yesterday?” I asked, hinting that I saw what he did the day before.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah,” he yawned. “All we really did was training exercises and smoke detector inspections.”

Liar.

“Mmhm… It’s just, I saw a big fire on the news yesterday and a very familiar looking man running towards the building like a big idiot.” 

I could hear him swallow. Whoop, there it is.  
“...Sorry, ____. I just didn’t want you to be mad at me because I know it was stupid.” He went quiet for a moment as if to think. “Do you think I did the right thing?”

I thought for a quiet moment, stirring the creamer into my coffee after it finished brewing. “Morally, yes. Idealistically, probably. Practically? No.” I answered simply. “While I commend you for saving the family, there’s no telling what would happen had they came right out and said that you did some angel mumbo jumbo to save them. Because I know you did.”

I turned to see Gilbert looking a little conflicted. “I’m not mad at you for that, though.”

“So you are mad at me?” Gilbert asked, raising an eyebrow at me.

I smiled wryly. “Next time you come home soaking in blood and don’t properly clean it up, I will skin you alive.” My voice was sweet and dripping with venom.

Gilbert gulped. “Y-yeah… sorry about that, I just uh… I wasn’t really thinking about that--” He looked over and noted that the spot he tried to hide was pristine. Now he felt completely awful.

“I’ll make it up to you, don’t worry.”

“Oh, I know. You’re buying dinner tonight.”

Gilbert nodded. “Fair enough-- Oh, by the way, I’m gonna be gone for the next few days. Big guy called in a meeting, so it’s probably really important.”

“Really? Hm. Wonder what’s goin’ on up there. God only knows…”

“You’re not wrong.”

I heaved a dramatic sigh and sipped at my coffee. Looking over at the clock, I was going to be late at this point, but honestly? I didn’t care. Work had been shit recently so they could deal with it.

______________

 

Three days had passed and Gilbert was still up in the heavens doing God knows what (it’s funny, laugh damn it!). I had decided to stock up on food because I just knew the guy was going to be absolutely exhausted considering he was dealing with several angels and people from heaven. Sounded like a nightmare to me. While putting groceries away, a loud crash sounded in the living room.

Oh, sweet, Gilbert’s home.

“Hey, Gil. Welcome home-- everything good up there?” I ask, moving to look at him.

What I saw was something one would see in a poorly manufactured videogame. The poor man was glitching out, he looked so tired and broken. What did they do to people up there, sheesh? 

“...Bad. Everything is bad.” He rasped, his voice sounding just as broken as his appearance. “Francis might be dead. Antonio’s missing. Might be demons. Dunno. I’m going to bed.” 

With that, what would usually be an amusing glitch of a sad man trudged his way to his room. I could hear a crash and what seemed to be splintering of wood come from his room. Well, if we weren’t getting the deposit back after everything else he broke, we sure as Hell weren’t going to now.

Speaking of Hell.

If my blood actually ran through my body, it would be running cold right about now. And if my heart was still beating, it would have been racing.

If demons killed Francis and kidnapped Antonio, that just put a target on all of our backs. The long-standing treaty between Heaven and Hell had been broken. It was moments like these that reminded me of what I truly was and how dangerous my situation is. 

I was a demon living with an archangel, and he didn’t even know it. And now that there was no more begrudging peace between our respective sides, it looks like I was going to have to find a way out, and fast.

But first, I was going to have to have a long talk with an old friend of mine. It has been a while since I last set foot in the realm of the Dark Lord himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA FINALLY MY BADLY WRITTEN TWIST!! 
> 
> I am to fanfiction what M. Night. Shamylan is to film. Just kidding.
> 
> Or am I? *X-Files theme plays in the distance*
> 
> Anyway, I'm pretty sure you could all see this from a mile away. I pretty much laid my cards out within the first half of the first chapter but y'know what? I'm having fun, damn it. Plot contrivances are a minor detail. 
> 
> I hope you've all enjoyed so far, though!! I'm really having a lot of fun writing this, almost as much fun as it was when I was going back and forth with someone with this whole thing. I'll probably work on the next chapter right after this is posted and will probably have another one up sometime within the next day or so. Or possibly on the same day as this one, as I'm writing this at... almost 1 AM. Who knows? Not me.


	7. To Hell and Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucifer is a creepy and controlling bastard (figures, right?), and now that things were getting hairy, you really need to think of a way out of this. While you understand that Gilbert is upset over his friends, he really needs to take things down a notch, or she was going to be one angel short and all Hell would break loose. Pun possibly intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoo boy, here we go. This is where the roller coaster starts and there are no breaks on this thing. 
> 
> It's gonna get crazy, so pls forgive me. I beg.
> 
> Hope you're still enjoying this and everything. I hope I'm not taking this too fast? We'll see.

A few days after the news about Toni and Francis, Gilbert recuperated from his visit to Heaven and took an extra few days off of work. In that time, Gilbert made a broad daylight attack on three underlings of the council in the 5th layer of Hell, so they were just lowly thugs, fortunately. 

The thing was, he did it in broad daylight.

The news covered it briefly in the noon update, causing me to nearly spit out my leftover noodles when I saw it. Their human facades strung up from the rafters, blood everywhere. Why they were showing this on live television was beyond me. There were probably demons running the news station. We were everywhere.

He came through the window after the very stupid and very public attack, my fight or flight responses activating. Angel Man just grinned at me with his stupid grin. If I wasn’t laying low, I probably would have scratched that grin off of his face with how mad I was with him. First the fire incident and now this? It’s like he wants his wings to get taken away.

Whatever he was saying to me, I didn’t really register it. I knew there was going to be a meeting held in Hell once everyone knew about this. Which meant one way or another I was going to be dragged down into it, so I was going to have to go voluntarily in order to keep the charade up for a little while longer until I could get out of my situation.

I know I’m a demon and deserve everything coming to me, but why did it have to be now?

____________

It’d been so long since I’d been in my demon form, I almost forgot what it felt like to be in Hell. I almost forgot what I actually looked like. It was weird. Gilbert was blissfully unaware of where I was really at, thinking I was at the local bar with some work friends on a nice Friday night evening out.

I kind of would have preferred that. But, seeing as I was technically a citizen of Hell, I had to make an appearance, at least.

I happened to be Lucifer’s favorite little plaything, after all.

Taking a breath I really didn’t need, I opened the morbidly ornate French doors to the council room, the scene before me nostalgically familiar.

The room was bathed in black and red, mahogany accents here and there. The room was rounded, all of the seats arranged in an amphitheater-like manner facing a large, menacing and again, ornate, throne. A few representatives of each of the seven layers of Hell were already seated, as well as their respective underlings. There was a plush looking seat next to the throne, which I assumed was reserved for me. He did love spoiling me, that Dark Lord did.

I heard some murmuring amongst the representatives as I walked down to take my seat, a lot of it directed at me. I hadn’t been in Hell for so long, I guess people were beginning to think I was dead. It took a lot more than living with an archangel to kill me, apparently.

“Well well, if it isn’t my darling _____! Goodness, it’s been a few centuries since you’ve graced us with your presence,” the smooth voice of everyone’s favorite epitome of evil itself rang as he sauntered his way over to me.

“Well, there’s plenty of humans to screw over up there, I figured I’d just live with them,” I teased in response. Though I might have been jovial on the outside, on the inside my non-functioning organs were twisting in knots.

Lucifer, or otherwise known as Mathias to the surface world, just smirked at me. “Spunky as always, I see. Those brothers of yours doin’ okay?” he asked.

“They’re fine, I’m sure.” For now. “I’ll let them know you send them your regards.”

“Perfect. So, the game plan is once everybody gets here, we’ll start talking about how we want to approach the situation at hand, especially since your pet angel is going to be a bit of a problem for us.” 

Lucifer had been less than happy with me when I called him the day I found out Gilbert was an archangel. He turned it around into an opportunity, though. Spying on the heavens with a direct source was definitely something he liked, especially if there were plans to covertly kill high ranking demons. Unfortunately, I had been stuck with an archangel bound to Earth until he could get more people to believe in him, so that did put a damper on plans.

The meeting went as well as I thought it would. There were several screaming matches and some chairs got broken, nothing they couldn’t immediately fix. The verdict was to wait and see what Heaven did next. The foundations of the treaty were crumbling, and an angel just took out three of some of their weakest men, which seemed to be more of an act of passion rather than an actual job. So they weren’t going to retaliate just yet. However, considering what I knew in terms of the plans of Heaven, I knew it wouldn’t be too long before things got out of hand.

I had been ordered to kill Gilbert when I had an opening, which, maybe a year ago I might have done without hesitation.

The problem was that I… I actually like Gilbert. Maybe more than like, actually. But I’m still figuring that out. Whatever it was that I felt, I knew that I didn’t have the heart to kill him.

The concentrated look must have shown on my face, as I had been pulled into Lucifer’s lap, almost like a cat. “What’s wrong, elskling? Hm? You look troubled,” he purred.

I hated it when he did that. It made me weak in the knees, something he wanted me to feel. Over time I had grown to hate the Demon King. While I hadn’t set foot in Hell in a few centuries, he called me over to wherever he was staying as a human and we would fuck. Then I’d go back home and pretend it didn’t happen until the next time he felt like he wanted to have another go at me. At one point I liked it. I would await a call from him and get excited just thinking about it, but over the past century or so, I came to realize I was nothing more than just a silly little plaything for him to defile when he needed relief.

That was probably why he answered my call in the first place, all those years ago. He knew he could manipulate me into loving him.

“It’s nothing… I should probably head back to my human nest, though. I’ve got responsibilities up there, you know.” I answered, my head resting on his shoulder.

“Oh, you’re no fun, _____. You never stay when you come down, live a little!” Lucifer complained.

“I wish I could, but I’ve seriously got to get going. Hellish currency only gets me so far in the world,” I sighed.

Lucifer pouted but relented, dropping his mouth near my ear. “I’ll just have to call you out to my office later, then. I’ve been dying to get my hands on this sinful body of yours,” he whispered huskily, his hands stroking my sides as sensually as possible.

I felt disgusted, but I had to mask that in order to keep the man happy. I didn’t need an angry Dark Lord on my ass.

“I’ll see you later, Lucifer,” I finally said, slipping from his grasp as I made my way out of the council room, feeling like I was about to vomit.

As I made my way back to the surface world, I changed back into my rosy-cheeked human facade, stopping in a gas station bathroom to make sure everything was put away correctly before making my way back home. A wave of guilt and exhaustion hit me as I quietly slipped back into the apartment.

I didn’t hear Gilbert’s snores from his room, so he must have been on another run. It made my insides crawl to think about it. The morning’s conversation came back to me as if to taunt me.

____________

_“Yeah, Big Man said we needed to drop all previous assignments and go for everyone on our lists. The city’s infested with demons, but it’s not a big surprise considering it’s definitely a big one,” Gilbert said, the morning he finally woke up from his two-day coma as he ate what had to be the world’s largest bowl of scrambled eggs._

_“Really? Damn… Sounds like it’s gonna be rough.” I commented. Internally I was dreading the day when my name came up._

_“I can handle it! I’m fuckin’ awesome. Oh! Almost forgot. While I was up there, I may or may not have promised God I’d convert you within the month,” he stated nonchalantly._

_“You did **what?** ” I asked incredulously._

_“I was drunk! Jesus was there, so obviously there was going to be wine. I bet that I could do it before the month was up or I’d disappear forever, so, we’re gonna have to figure something out.”_

_This man had to be the dumbest person I had ever met. I was so glad that for my sake, he was dumb enough not to be able to sense the demonic power sitting inside me, but I didn’t think he was dumb enough to think he could convert a non-religious convert target in a month. That’s like trying to learn an entire language in three days!_

____________

“I need to get to bed…” I mumbled to myself, looking at the clock as it read 2:17 AM before I rinsed out the cereal bowl I had been using. I didn’t want to bother reheating anything for dinner. Probably didn’t have the stomach for it anyway.

Changing into something comfortable for bed, I slipped in and tried to get some decent sleep. However, it wasn’t three hours later when I felt the sudden urge to vomit hit me like a train. I hurriedly stumbled to the bathroom and puked my guts out, making sure nothing black came out. I knew something must have been wrong with Gilbert considering there was suddenly a mass amount of holy energy in the apartment. My human facade wasn’t really able to handle it as well as I would have liked.

After I brushed my teeth to rid my mouth of the puke taste, I padded out to where I heard noises. A golden, glowing substance dripped in various puddles from the entrance of the apartment to the kitchen, a few smears along the walls in between. Gilbert must have gotten himself into deep shit.

I carefully made my way into the kitchen just in time for him to lob a piece of horn at the wall near me, cracking the backsplash of the countertop. It was hard to breathe with all of this around, but it looked like he needed help.

I could end him here. Right here, right now. While he’s down and unable to fight, I can just…. End it.  
But I didn’t. 

I knelt down next to him, mumbling a soft “let me help” as I surveyed the damaged and assessed what had to be done. What it seemed is that he bit off more than he could chew fighting a demon, one of them breaking their horn off into one of his wounds to kill him off slowly but surely. Only a demon would let an opponent suffer like this.

Bracing myself for how much it was going to hurt, my hand plunged into the wound to pick out the remaining shards of demon horn, gritting my teeth as my hand began to burn intensely. But I kept going.

I did my best and got everything out. At least, I think so. Since the angel blood everywhere had disappeared and my hand was no longer in searing pain, everything seemed to be just fine.

“Thank you, _____,” Gilbert breathed out. “Sorry if I woke you up or anything…”

“No, no… it wasn’t you,” I lied. “I actually was puking my guts up before I even noticed you’d been in here… must’ve drunk too much or ate something wrong last night.”

“Oh… shit. Well, then you should get back into bed and rest, then. I call your work for you, ‘kay? And I’ll check up on you if I can get out for lunch…” Gilbert was so worried over me even though he just almost died in front of me. At this point he had me wishing I could even be capable of hating him.

“Are you sure you’re fit to go into work either?” I asked, gesturing to his somewhat exhausted form in the chair.

He waved it off as if it were nothing. “Nah, I’ll just eat a big breakfast. Get my strength back up. Now, don’t make me carry you to bed. Go rest.”

“What are you, my dad?” I teased, wanting to lighten the mood.

Gilbert just smirked at me. “Even better, I’m your guardian angel. Now go on, shoo, go sleep.”

I rolled my eyes at him good-naturedly before slumping my way back to my room, my poor mortal body being absolutely exhausted. I should really take better care of my meat bag. They’re sensitive things.

Drifting off into a dreamless sleep, I only hoped things would clear up and I wouldn’t have to deal with any more of this when I woke up.

A girl could dream, I guess.


End file.
